The Flame Alchemist

[Mustang snores]

Breda: Roy Mustang's surveillance log!? What's this about?

Havoc: You got me. I've been ordered by internal affairs to keep an eye on the colonel.

Falman: "To assist you with the ongoing investigation of colonel Mustang, we order you to confidentially report back to us the surveillance of his every moves."

Fuery: You mean you've been spying on Mustang?

Havoc: Yeah, but this surveillance gig's too big for one man. So if any of you want in on the action.

Falman: Saturday 09:46 hours. With papers waiting for his approval and due by noon, the Colonel decided to take a nap instead.

Breda: 10:26 hours. The Colonel attempted to feed Lieutenant Hawkeye's dog. The dog was not biting.

Fuery: At 11:03 hours, he started obsessively cleaning the windows, with still no progress on those papers, with the deadline on fast approaching.

Havoc: Then at 11:47 hours, the Colonel began to furiously sign the papers, all the while cursing that he didn't have time for this.

Breda: In the afternoon, Mustang left to research a hot tip. During that time, he received an envelope from a young woman at the flower shop.

Fuery: The letter appeared to be instructions for a rendezvous as it contained two tickets for a play.

Breda: That night Colonel Mustang claimed to be going on an overnight explore tour mission and left. But judging by the look on his face, I think he's got a date.

Havoc: Wait! The girl from the flower shop?! You don't mean Grace!? Not my Grace! I THOUGHT SHE WAS JUST PLAYING HARD TO GET WITH ME!

Falman: If she's seeing two guys at once she can't be that hard to get.

Breda: In a head to head with Mustang over a girl, you're screwed.

Fuery: I'm sorry, but there's no way she'd pick you over-

Havoc: SHUT UP YOU JERKS! They don't understand my feelings, I really thought this was love.

Breda: Damn Havoc, is that a surveillance log or a diary?

Havoc: You take that back, loser!

Breda: Look who's talking!

Havoc: WHAT?!

Falman: Yes! I love a good fight.

Fuery: Come on guys, lay down your pencils and make up


Riza: Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. Here at Central Headquarters, there was a band of brave soldiers, all willing to make that sacrifice in the name of peace. This is a tale of love and courage. A tale of the Flame Alchemist, Colonel Mustang, and his loyal team.

The Bachelor Lieutenant

Havoc: Hey, know what, Black Hayate? You don't know how good you've got it. No worries, no friends to betray you.

Riza: Does anyone know what's eating Lieutenant Havoc?

Roy: He probably got dumped again.

Breda: He's psychic!

Riza: It's hard balancing this job and your relationship. You have no time and good luck finding someone worthwhile here.

Roy: Please! A man should be able to handle both his job and his women. I do.

Breda: Yeah! That's his problem.

Roy: Wait, grief affects his performance which affects me. [to his men] Hey, why don't you guys find a girl for Havoc?

Fuery: What?! But I'm a highly trained officer!

Falman: I can't even find a girl for me!

Breda: Just toss him one of yours, Colonel.

Roy: What's that?

Breda, Falman, and Fuery: Uh, nothing.

Roy: I don't guess any of you know what is he looking for in a woman, do you?

Falman: Ow, when we were drinking, he mentioned one a cute, smart, funny girl with a good personality who wasn't like a cheat on him.

Roy: Falman, scout the city for a cute, smart, funny girl with a good personality and introduce her to Havoc.


Roy: You heard me. That's your new mission.

Sheska: A mission for me?

Archer: I need all the records pertinent to Brigadier General Grand, Doctor Marcoh and Shou Tucker. And including any documents regarding Laboratory 5 or the Second Execution ground.

Sheska: Yes, sir! But, what about the ones that were destroyed in the library fire?

Archer: Of course, I want them too. That's why I've come to you, Sheska.

Sheska: If I can use this assignment to gain acess to the military court, maybe I can find what Hughes was investigating when he died.

Archer: So what do you say?

Sheska: Yes, sir! I accept the mission.

Falman: Some mission! They didn't cover picking up women in basic training. Where am I supposed to find a girl?

[Sheska suddenly runs into Falman and falls dropping all of her envelopes]

Sheska: That hurts! I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

Falman: Sheska?

Sheska: Oh, Falman?

Falman: Nice running into you! Have you been well?

Sheska: Um, yeah! Something like that.

Falman: Hold on! You're a girl. I'm looking for a cute, smart, funny girl with a good personality. Know where I can find someone like that?

Sheska: Hold on a minute! Are you somehow suggesting you think I'm not a cute, smart, funny girl with a good personality, officer?

Falman: Oh,no! I didn't mean like that. It's all quite silly. Colonel Mustang ordered me to find a girlfriend for Liutenant Havoc!

Sheska: Oh, it's for Havoc!?

Falman: Yeah, so you have any ideas?

Armstrong: LOOK NO FURTHER! I know the perfect woman!

Roy: Armstrong's sister? You're kidding, right?

Falman: No. He says she's single because she's shy. Not because she's not good-looking.

Roy: Umm.

Havoc: It' so big… Alright, I'm going home…

Breda: Are you out of your frickin' mind?! You've hit the mother load with this one Havoc! You just have to convince her to marry you and you're set for life!

Furey: You'll fly up the ranks in no time!

Havoc: Marry her? But I don't even know her yet…

Falman: Well according to Major Armstrong, she's every bit as beautiful as the Major himself.

Havoc: You mean she looks just like the Major? GET YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF ME GUYS I'M GOING HOME!


Breda: Bye! Don't blow it!

Mr. Armstrong: For the past 180 some odd years the house of Armstrong as played a vital role in the nations finance and political military circles. Generation after generation, we've remained pillars of strength and beacons of integrity. We supplied the country with countless Generals, why! I, myself was a general back in the day when that meant something! Of course we didn't have motorcars….

Armstrong: Oh! Father's stories always touch me in a profound way!

Havoc: Uhhh my… I hope he's not boring our poor guest with old war stories!

Armstrong: Oh! Hello mother!

Havoc: Mother? That's a relief… The mother looks pretty normal… SHE'S A FREAKING GIANT!! THAT'S NOT NORMAL! THAT'S NOT NORMAL AT ALL!!! Think about it rationally Havoc. If the father is large horizontally, and the mother's large vertically, then it only makes sense, mathematically speaking, that when you combine them, the son would end up looking like… This… So the daughter must look like... No that's not how it works. Some traits are more dominant, so there is the possibility, if you cross A with B it could resemble A more.

Armstrong: Here she comes, lieutenant! My baby sister!

Mrs. Armstrong: Come now, Catherine, don't be bashful. You know it’s not an attractive quality.

Havoc: Moment of truth! Does she look like her dad, or her mom? Either way she's a monster, but if she's got to be a potato or a tomato then please let her be a tomato!

Catherine: Umm. Hi. It's nice to meet you, Liutenant! I'm Catherine Elle Armstrong.


Armstrong: I told former she was beautiful and that she looked like me.

Havoc: How so?

Armstrong: The Armstrong eyelashes.

Havoc: Oh yes! Of course!

Mr. Armstrong: Where're your manners, Catherine? Let's not be shy!

Catherine: Hi... again!

Havoc: So...What do you do for fun?

Catherine: Well...I'm pretty good on the piano.

Havoc: Ohh... she's so cute! She can't possibly be related to the Major!

Catherine: Or should I say I'm pretty good.. lifting the piano!

Armstrong: Is something wrong, Liutenant?

Havoc: Forget what I said. She's 100% the major's sister! But... wait! If I look past her freakin' strength and focus on what matters: her looks, her sense of fashion, her estate, her lineage... it all adds up! I suppose I- I could be happy with the mother-load! Miss Catherine, you'd make a happy man if you allow me to privilege of taking you on a date.

Catherine: [to Havoc] Liutenand Havoc,in my dreams I always imagined meeting a man just like you... Except with a more muscular physique like my brother's. I'm sorry. It's just that I only like good looking man.

Havoc: Uh!

Catherine: I'm sorry, it's just that I only like good-looking men. Maybe we should forget this ever happened.

Armstrong: [posing without a shirt] Guess it wasn't meant to be. Should I inform the cook?

Breda: 10,000 says he blows the date.

Falman: I say they don't even have one.

Fuery: My money is on him chickening out before he even sees her!

Riza: You realize you're all bidding against him.

Breda, Falman, and Fuery: Safest bet!

Havoc: That's it! I'll just die alone!

The Mystery of Warehouse 13

Roy: Well.. It looks like Major Armstrong is turning out to be exactly the man I thought! Liutenant Hawkeye, let's track this tiger!

Riza: Right!

Fuery: Oh,man I'm starving! I haven't been able to afford a decent meal since I lost my money in that bet!

Falman: And I have been stuffing my face silly ever since.


Falman: Then that bet wouldn't mean anything now, would it? They still haven't fixed these lights!

Fuery: I know. It's pretty creepy around here at night. Of course, I don't buy the haunted warehouse room history. What is that?

Falman: I don't know!

Fuery and Falman: IT'S HERE!!!

Riza: Stop that. You're so bad. That tickles! Wait! Now sit! Shake! Other pawn! Down! Good!

Soldiers: Good morning, Liutenant!

Riza: As you will!

Breda: Are you serious?

Falman: As a heart attack.

Fuery: Those rumors weren't rumors. They're true

Breda: Stop! Why are you telling me this? I'm not gonna be over alone on walk home tonight!

Riza: Something happened to you, boys?

Roy: They claim to have seen the fabled Warehouse 13. Idiots.

Breda: There's nothing idiotic about being aware, Colonel.

Fuery: Especially when there's a bunch of ghosts out there.

Riza: A warehouse 13, hum? I'm pretty assured that according to the records the militaty has only 12 warehouses here.

Breda: It may only be 12 now, but, sometimes, a 13th appears.

Falman: They say this warehouse shows up on the execution ground where thousands have been killed.

Breda: When sun goes down and darkness falls, the haunted building mysterious rises from the bloody-so soil

Fuery: And you can hear the ghost of the executed through all the way from the surface! SLASH! SLASH! They climb over the corpse and fallen victims seeking vengeance against soldiers.

Roy: Did you ever stop to think that is because you're living this state of Fuery that you're imagining scene things. Your minds are playing tricks on you!

Falman: Doesn't anything scare you, sir?

Roy: Of course, not! I'm a trained alchemist, after all. We look at things in a rational manner and there's nothing rational about ghosts stories!

Fuery: But we saw with our own eyes. We aren't the only ones. I fold stories all over headquarters

Roy: What is this a children's slumber party? You superstitious nitwits need someone to give you a reality check and it might as well be me!

Breda: Wow! Really, boss? Did you hear that, guys? The colonel volunteered to help us with our midnight takeout!

Falman: He's a noble leader! Always looking after his men!

Fuery: What a relief! If the colonel is with us, there's no way we'll be impaled!

Roy: Now, wait a minute! What's takeout?

Breda: A mission that's to prove whether or not the warehouse 13 is real!

Falman: And you said you'd give us a reality check.

Roy: Oh, yeah! That's what I said, but...

Fuery: I have to go by there every night on my way home. It's eating ware my inside and, soon, there'll be nothing left. Please, colonel. HELP ME!

Roy: Damn it! I still don't see why I have to tag along on their stupid midnight ghost hunt!

Riza: Because they admire you more than you realize.

Roy: What good is admiration from other men? They're soldiers. How are they going to deal with living breathing people when they're afraid of the dead. I didn't tell you to stop here Lieutenant.

Riza: You looked like you wanted me to, sir.

[Cuts to door]

Gracia: Oh, Colonel Mustang, what a surprise.

Roy: I'm sorry for dropping by unannounced. I was just in the neighborhood so...

Gracia: Nonsense. I appreciate you're taking the time. Elicia, you remember Roy Mustang, say hello.

Roy: Hiya kiddo, you've grown. (Elicia hides behind her mother)

Gracia: I'm sorry. She's just a little shy, but please, come in.

Roy: No, I'd better not. I have tons of paperwork. I'll be seeing you.

[Cuts to car]

Roy: Like I was saying, it's always a lot scarier dealing with the living. Give me a ghost to talk to any day.

Archer: So this is absolutely everything. You leave nothing out. No miscellaneous documents set here or set lying around?

Sheska: No, that's it!

Archer: Very well! Have all these files incinerated. Scatter the ashes.

Sheska: What!? But these are official records. They're one of a kind!

Archer: I don't care!

[cuts to Führer's office]

Bradley: Laboratory 5 has been closed for years. I hardly expected there'd be much documentation these days.

Archer: There's more too of it. Don't you find that odd there's absolutely no records at all from the years when the lab was operational?

Bradley: What's that about if someone blackened that work?

Archer: But that someone was Basque Grand.

Bradley: What exactly are you implying?

Archer: People don't bury nickels, sir. They bury gold. I suggest Grand discovered valuable enough to cover up. Of course, I can imagine that you would have any pre-existing knowledge of this preach, Führer. But think of it: a humanoid chimera; a phylosopher's stone that amplifies alchemy. I don't have to tell you that these could be powerful weapons in our arsenal.

Bradley: And I don't have to tell that those are forbidden practices, Liutenant Colonel.

Archer: Scientific progress is trial-and-error. Neglecting to learn from past experiments, or forbidding research because it's immoral, is not only myopic, but reckless. I have Kimbley and Shou Tucker under my control ready to be in list anytime. I'm just waiting for your command, sir.

Bradley: Apparently, another civil war has broken out in Liore. Way out so I've read reports that Scar may be hiding thereSounds like a problem like you and your friends can solve?

Archer: Yes!

Roy: This is ridiculous! Five grown men trying to sneak a peek at ghost on their night off.

Fuery: By ridiculous, you mean scary...

Breda: Well, it means a lot, you comin' out, Colonel.

Roy: Let's just hurry so I can sleep.

Fuery: Oh yeah, did we forget to tell you that the lights are out from this point on?

Roy: What the hell has the maintenance staff been doing?

Breda: And Breda said, let there be light.

Fury: EEEK!

Roy: It's just a shadow, moron!

Falman: Yeah, calm down. These shadows can be your friend, Fuery. [makes a shadow puppet] Look, I'm cute little puppy dog. [The shadow changes] WAHHHH!

Roy: Stop freaking out!

Falman: Easy for you to say!

Breda: We'll stop jumping when things stop being scary!

Fuery: I want to go home!

Roy: How did I get such a pathetic staff?! Come on! I'll prove to you there’s no such thing as ghosts!

Fuery: Don't leave us alone, Colonel!

Roy: This, ladies, is the twelfth and final warehouse. And over there is nothing but empty space. Now, where is your phantom thirteenth warehouse?

Fuery: Maybe it's a warehouse like a werewolf and it needs a full moon.

Roy: Give it up, Fuery.

Breda: Hold on! I think I know what you saw the other night. Take a look over there. That letter B. Doesn't that look an awful a lot lie?

Fuery: The number thirteen!

Breda: I guess I see how you can make that mistake.

Roy: So you misread it thanks to the darkness and your own fears.

Falman: I guess it's better than the alternative!

Roy: I told it was a figure of your imagination.

Fuery: But, then, what about the ghosts?

Roy: They don't exist either, Fuery!

Fuery: Oh, good! Starting tomorrow, I can take the normal round home.

Roy: We're all happy for you. Let's go now!

Fuery: You know, now that my nausea is settling down, I get a kind of hungry.

Breda: I can go for some grub!

Falman: Dinner's on you, guys!

Fuery: Why? But I'm broke!

Breda: Consider payment for causing this trouble.

Roy: Hold on!

Fuery: What's wrong?

Roy: Do you see that?

Fuery: See what?

Breda: The dirty! It's been dug through!

Fuery: That doesn't sound good.

Roy: Falman!

Falman: Yes,sir. I found something.

Roy: Yeah. It's a bone!

[Roy's team gets terrified and starts to yell desperately]

Roy: Hold together! Even if this was once of a executed people, they wouldn't bury them here. This is more like a work of murderer. I think this bone is our only evidence of a crime which someone who would rather have forgotten. But what killer in the right mind would sneak in the military soil to dump a body?

Falman: Unless this could be the result of an incident within the military.

Roy: I'd say there's a strong chance of that.We may be looking at a bone of a slained soldier.

Roy: Our mission is to identify who our victim was, where they came from and if we can how they died. Don't miss personal effects. And it may be not all buried in just one spot. So, spread out!

Falman, Breda and Fuery: You gotta it!

Roy: Well. I can't exactly say I was expecting that... WHO THE HELL IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS FIASCO?!

Riza: So how was your night?

Roy, Falman, Breda, Fuery, and Havoc: I've had better.

Riza: Hello? Colonel. The tiger is on the prowl.

Bradley: I fully expected to deliver us to victory.

Roy: Excuse me!

Bradley: What is it?

Roy: Fuhrer, I'm requesting permission to join this extra campaign.

Archer: I'm afraid you've come too late, Colonel. Major Armstrong has already been assigned out with army command.

Roy: With respect, the Major hasn't served in the front line since he was heard in the Ishbal War. Now is hardly the time to redeploy in combat, especially in a region where he has no recent experience. I also feel partly responsible for this latest uprising. Seeing as how I was formerly stationed at the Eastern Headquarters, please, let me tag along.

Armstrong: I have no objections to his request.

Bradley: Very well. Colonel Mustang, you are hereby ordered to accompany the expeditionary forces to supress the insurrection.

Roy: I accept with honor, sir!